Microsoft Word - Effect Audiobook Purchaser Worksheets 2017.docx

©"2010,"Melissa"Orlov"(last"updated,"2017)"

www.ADHDmarriage.com!

Chore&Score&Worksheet&

To"measure"who"does"what,"and"how"they"feel"about"it."

Track!your!chores!for!1!week.!!At!the!end!of!each!day!take!5-10!minutes!to!make!

sure!you’ve!captured!that!day’s!chores!–!you’ll!have!trouble!remembering!them!

accurately!if!you!leave!it!longer!than!that.!!Track!your!tasks!using!a!worksheet!laid!

out!in!four!columns!like!the!example!below.!!Assign!each!chore!a!likability!rating!and!

a!difficulty!rating.!!(Note!that!these!ratings!are!your!opinion!only.!!You!will!likely!

rate!the!same!chores!–!such!as!doing!dishes!or!going!to!the!grocery!–!differently.!!At!

the!end!of!the!week,!sit!down!and!compare!your!chore!charts.!!How!do!your!efforts!

compare?!!Is!one!spouse!doing!all!the!“fun”!stuff?!!Are!the!hours!you!are!putting!in!

balanced?!!Create!sheets!with!the!headings!below!as!a!starting!place!for!developing!

a!more!satisfying!distribution!of!effort!for!you!both!based!upon!your!personal!

preferences,!strengths!and!weaknesses.!

Chore&

Hours&(decimals)&

Likability&Rating&

Difficulty&Rating&

For&likability&ratings,&use&these&numbers:&

1!=!I!like!doing!this!

2=!I!don’t!mind!doing!this!

3!=!I!dislike!doing!this!

4!=!I!hate!doing!this!

For&Difficulty&Ratings,&use&these&numbers:&

1!=!Very!easy!(mindless"or"simple)"

2!=!Moderate!(takes"some"planning"and/or"time)"

3!=!Fairly!difficult!(somewhat"strenuous,"more"planning,"a"good"challenge)!

4!=!Very!difficult!(physically"strenuous,"many"complex"steps,"new,"challenging)!

! !

©"2010,"Melissa"Orlov"(last"updated,"2017)"

Recipe&for&Beating&the&Chore&Wars&

To!organize!and!prioritize!tasks!around!the!house,!as!well!as!keep!the!ADHD!spouse!!

Here’s!a!great!idea!for!organizing!and!assigning!chores!that!solves!numerous!issues!

in!the!Chore!Wars!all!at!once:!

Get!a!recipe!box!and!fill!it!with!3x5!cards.!!Create!five!sections!in!the!box:!!This!

Week;!Later;!To!Discuss;!Done;!Blanks.!

1. Every!time!you!think!of!a!task!around!the!house!that!needs!to!be!

completed,!create!a!card!for!it!and!put!that!card!in!the!“To!Discuss”!

section.!

2. Schedule!a!regular!meeting!once!or!twice!a!week!to!sit!down!together!

and!discuss!the!cards.!!Decide!which!tasks!are!the!most!important!and!

can!be!reasonably!done!this!week!and!hold!on!to!them.!!Put!the!other!

cards,!in!basic!order!of!importance,!into!the!“Later”!section.!

3. The!cards!you!are!holding!are!the!“This!Week”!tasks.!!Discuss!what!

each!task!entails.!!Does!“finish!the!bathroom!remodel”!include!

painting,!or!just!installing!the!toilet!and!laying!tile?!!Who,!exactly,!will!

do!the!work?!!When,!exactly,!will!it!most!likely!get!done?!!Do!you!have!

all!the!supplies?!!Do!you!both!understand!what!the!job!entails?!!How!

many!hours!do!you!think!it!will!take?!!Does!any!of!it!need!to!be!hired!

out?!!Ask!yourselves!whether!or!not!the!number!of!tasks!for!this!week!

seems!reasonable!once!you!know!all!the!details.!!If!you!have!too!many!

tasks!for!the!time!you!have!available,!take!the!least!important!and!add!

them!to!the!front!of!the!“Later”!section.!

4. Put!the!remaining!cards!into!“This!Week”!along!with!any!notes!you’ve!

added!from!your!discussion!that!might!be!useful!reminders!(i.e.!“tile!

and!toilet!only”)!

Go!to!the!box!each!time!you’re!ready!to!“tackle!tasks”!and!work!on!something!in!the!

“This!Week”!section,!preferably!the!first!card.!!When!a!task!is!completed,!put!the!

card!in!the!“Done”!section.!

Why&This&Works&

This!system!works!for!a!whole!variety!of!reasons:!

• Each!week,!the!outstanding!tasks!are!“re-prioritized”.!!There!are!always!

more!tasks!to!be!done!than!can!be!completed…this!helps!ensure!the!

most!important!are!tackled!first!–!and!that!both!partners!agree!on!

which!are!the!top!tasks.!

• Both!partners!gain!a!more!complete!understanding!of!what!their!

spouse!contributes.!

• The!ADHD!partner!benefits!from!the!planning!expertise!of!the!non-

ADHD!spouse.!!While!reviewing!when!and!how!a!task!is!to!be!done,!

©"2010,"Melissa"Orlov"(last"updated,"2017)"

both!members!of!the!couple!can!assess!whether!or!not!the!planning!is!

realistic.!!In!addition,!the!non-ADHD!partner!gains!a!better!

understanding!of!what!the!ADHD!partner!is!thinking!about!the!project!–!

communication!is!clarified.!

• The!box!is!easy!to!locate,!and!progress!can!be!tracked.!!When!a!project!

is!done,!the!card!is!taken!out!of!the!rotation.!

• This!system!relieves!anxiety!for!the!non-ADHD!spouse.!!Every!time!she!

thinks!of!a!task!she!can!just!write!it!down!and!be!assured!that!it!will!get!

adequately!discussed!that!week.!!Putting!the!task!into!the!system!

means!it!will!no!longer!be!“hanging!over!her!head”!and!she!can!move!

on!to!thinking!about!something!else.!!The!benefits!of!this!to!both!

members!of!the!couple!are!enormous.!

! !

©"2010,"Melissa"Orlov"(last"updated,"2017)"

Two-Day&Validation&Tracking&Worksheet&

For!two!days,!note!rate!every!response!you!have!towards!each!other.!!To!do!this!

well,!you'll!need!to!sit!down!about!once!an!hour!and!think!about!your!interactions!

during!that!hour!for!those!times!you!are!interacting.!!"1"!is!a!wonderful!interaction!

that!validated!your!or!your!partner.!!"5"!is!an!interaction!that!completely!invalidated!

one!of!you.!!Any!time!you!have!an!interaction!-!good!or!bad!-!write!it!down.!!Track!

your!own!behavior!as!well!as!your!spouse’s.!!This!goes!both!ways.!

Automatic!“5”s!include:!

• Criticism!

• Contempt!

• Stonewalling!

• Sarcasm!

• Defensiveness!

• Criticism!masked!as!"help"!

Paying!no!attention!(for!whatever!reason)!should!also!be!noted!in!the!poorer!end!of!

the!spectrum!(you!can!figure!out!later!if!it!was!due!to!the!ADHD!symptom!of!

distraction!or!an!intentional!put!down).!!

At!the!end!of!the!experiment,!find!some!time!to!sit!down!together!and!talk!about!

what!you've!discovered.!!There!may!be!patterns,!such!as!a!non-ADHD!spouse!being!

particularly!critical!around!a!subject!such!as!not!getting!enough!attention.!!It's!likely!

that!many!of!your!invalidating!actions!are!centered!around!ADHD!symptom!

responses.!!There!may!be!areas!of!strength!that!you!need!to!note,!as!well.!

My!hope!is!that!this!exercise!will!do!three!things!for!you:!

1. Make!you!more!aware!of!the!frequency!of!this!destructive!behavior!so!you!

can!diminish!its!presence!in!your!lives!

2. Get!you!thinking!about!better,!more!validating,!ways!to!respond!in!these!

same!situations!in!the!future.!

3. Help!you!decide!to!reinforce!existing!validating !interactions!

You!may!find!this!exercise!a!bit!depressing.!!But!the!first!step!in!changing!behaviors!

is!identifying!them.!

©"2010,"Melissa"Orlov"(last"updated,"2017)"

Resources&

ADHD&

Delivered(from(Distraction(

Edward"M."Hallowell,"M.D."and"John"J."Ratey,"M.D.,"2005"

This!book!provides!an!excellent!overview!of!what!ADHD!is!all!about!and!how!you!

can!get!the!most!out!of!life!with!ADHD.!!The!authors!use!a!“strengths-based”!

approach!to!dealing!with!ADHD!and!view!it!as!“a!way!of!being”!rather!than!a!

“disorder.”!!They!provide!concrete!information!about!how!to!treat!ADHD!and!the!

common!issues!that!people!with!ADHD!encounter.!!Driven"to"Distraction,!written!ten!

years!earlier!by!the!same!authors,!is!still!relevant!today.!

Women(with(Attention(Deficit(Disorder(

Sari"Solden,"MS,"MFCC,"1995"

Women!with!ADHD!face!special!issues!related!to!their!gender!and!societal!

expectations!that!most!men!with!ADHD!don’t!face.!!They!also!face!special!challenges!

when!it!comes!to!asserting!themselves!effectively!to!deal!with!ADHD.!!Solden!is!the!

leading!expert!in!this!topic!and!this!is!her!seminal!work.!!If!the!woman!in!your!

couple!has!ADHD,!this!can!be!a!life-changing!book.!

More(Attention,(Less(Deficit:((Success(Strategies(for(Adults(with(ADHD(

Ari"Tuckman,"PsyD,"MBA,"2009"

This!ADHD!handbook!is!written!in!an!even-toned,!practical!style!and!organized!in!

discreet!chapters,!letting!the!reader!choose!what!he!or!she!wants!to!work!on!first.!!

Thought!the!book!is!long,!it!tackles!issues!in!short,!succinct!chapters,!such!as!

“Manage!the!Mail!and!Get!the!Bills!Out!on!Time”!and!“Expectation!Management:!!

Promise!Only!What!You!Can!Deliver”!and!“Is!ADD!an!Excuse!or!an!Explanation?”!!

Chapters!usually!give!explanations! for!what!is!going!on,!as!well!as!sp ecific!tactics!for!

overcoming!the!problem.!

You(Mean(I’m(Not(Lazy,(Stupid(or(Crazy?!(

Kate"Kelly,"Peggy"Ramundo,"1993"(since"updated)"

This!book!is!extremely!well!organized,!and!provides!many!useful!ideas!for!how!to!

manage!ADHD!successfully.!!It!is!a!good!complementary!book!to!Delivered"from"

Distraction!for!those!who!are!just!starting!to!learn!about!ADHD,!going!into!different!

aspects!than!Delivered.!!The!sections!on!coping!strategies!and!turning!ideas!into!

action!are!particularly!good.!

©"2010,"Melissa"Orlov"(last"updated,"2017)"

ADHD(in(Adults:((What(the(Science(Says(

Russell"A."Barkley,"Kevin"R."Murphy,"Mariellen"Fischer,"2008"

This!500-page!book,!filled!with!graphs!and!charts,!is!for!those!who!want!a!look!into!

some!of!the!research!about!adult!ADHD.!!The!authors!go!into!great!detail!about!their!

ideas!-!spending!50!pages,!for!example,!on!how!they!believe!ADHD!in!adults!should!

be!diagnosed!differently!than!in!children,!and!the!data!analysis!they!used!to!reach!

their!conclusions.!!Be!prepared!for!lots!of!statistics,!and!many!mentions!of!the!word!

“disorder”.!This!will!tell!you!the!unvarnished!facts!about!ADHD.!!Written!for!very!

interested!adults!as!well!as!researchers!and!practitioners.!

The(Gift(of(Adult(ADD:((How(to(Transform(Your(Challenges(&(Build(on(Your(

Strengths(

Lara"Honos-Webb,"Ph.D.,"2008"

If!you!are!a!person!who!hears!that!ADHD!life!can!be!better!but!has!trouble!imagining!

what!that!might!look!like,!The"Gift"of"Adult"ADD!can!help.!!Honos-Webb!writes!this!

book!for!people!with!ADHD!first,!and!other!adults!second.!!She!offers!real-life!

examples!of!how!adults!have!found!what!they!love!and!let!that!guide!them!into!life!

“in!the!sweet!spot”.!!The"Gift"of"Adult"ADD!includes!many!specific!tips!and!activities!

for!creating!change!for!yourself!in!a!world!that’s!not!highly!attuned!to!ADHD.!!The!

section!on!the!promises!and!pitfalls!of!diagnosis!should!be!read!by!both!partners.!

Film–!ADD"&"Loving"It!(Google!it!for!the!current!link)!was!first!broadcast!on!

Canadian!TV.!!It’s!loads!of!fun!and!informative,!as!well.!

Websites:!!The!following!websites!are!just!some!that!contain!helpful!information!

about!ADHD!and!support!for!adult!ADHD:!

adhdmarriage.com!–!blogs,!seminars,!coaching,!up-to-date!treatment!information,!a!

community!forum!for!discussion!and!much!more.!!The!best!site!available!on!the!

topic.!

adultadhdbook.com!–!Ari!Tuckman’s!site!includes!informative!short!videos!about!

many!aspects!of!ADHD!

caddac.ca!–!The!Centre!for!ADD/ADHD!Advocacy!in!Canada!hosts!a!very!complete!

list!of!resources!and!information!for!those!living!in!Canada.!

Drhallowell.com!–!Dr.!Hallowell’s!site!provides!his!ideas!and!opinions!about!ADHD!

CHADD.org!–!one!way!to!find!a!local!support!group,!as!well!as!back ground!

information!

ADDcoach4u.com!–!Coach!Pete!Quily!has!amassed!a!large!database!of!information.!

Particularly!of!interest!–!his!information!on!international!support!groups!and!

resources!

Coping&Skills&

The(Dance(of(Anger:((A(Woman’s(Guide(to(Changing(the(Patterns(of(Intimate(

Relationships(

Harriet"Lerner,"Ph.D.,"1985/2005"

If!you!or!your!spouse!is!experiencing!any!anger!in!your!relationship!and!you!can!

read!only!one!more!book,!this!is!the!one!to!pick.!!This!bestseller!is!the!best!book!on!

how!to!address!anger,!period.!

Dare(to(Forgive(

Edward"M."Hallowell,"M.D."

This!gem!of!a!book!not!only!makes!the!case!that!the!ability!to!forgive!is!a!sign!of!

strength,!but!it!also!provides!a!step-by-step!process!for!moving!from!anger!and!

distress!to!forgiveness.!!It!is!a!very!useful!book!for! t hose!who!are!caught!up!in!a!

destructive!cycle!of!anger!and!retaliation!in!their!rel a tionships.!

I(Love(You(But(I(Don’t(Trust(You(

Mira"Kirschenbaum"

Broken!trust!is!a!key!issue!for!many!couples!impacted!by!ADHD.!!Kirschenbaum!

explores!what!partners!need!to!do!to!rebuild!trust!and!helps!you!on!the!journey.!

Communication&Strategies&

Beyond(Reason:((Using(Emotions(as(You(Negotiate(

Roger"Fisher"and"Daniel"Shapiro"

Although!this!book!was!written!with!a!business!audience!in!mind,!it!provides!an!

excellent!simplification!of!some!of!the!basics!for!understanding!and!creating!better!

ways!to!communicate.!!It’s!highly!relevant!for!couples!struggling!to!communicate!

through!the!often-difficult!emotions!stimulated!by!dealing!with!ADHD.!!I!highly!

recommend!it.!

How(to(Improve(Your(Marriage(Without(Talking(About(It(

Patricia"Love,"Ed.D.,"Steven"Stosny,"Ph.D.,"2007"

One!of!the!challenges!of!relationships!isn’t!just!ADHD,!but!also!gender!differences.!!

This!book!explores!two!huge!communication!issues!that!all!couples!experience!–!

men’s!shame,!and!women’s!fears!of!loss!and!abandonment.!!These!fears!are!

heightened!in!ADHD!relationships,!as!excessive!shame!is!a!common!side!effect!of!

ADHD,!and!distraction!on!the!part!of!a!male!partner!with!ADHD!can!lead!his!wife!to!

feel!abandoned.!!You!may!not!agree!with,!or!be!able!to,!“not!talk!about!it”!but!you!

will!come!away!from!reading!this!book!with!a!far!greater!understanding!of!some!of!

the!hidden!undercurrents!of!your!relationship.!

Getting(the(Love(You(Want(

Harville"Hendrix,"Ph.D."

Hendrix’s!work!began!of!a!new!type! of!therapy!–!Imago!Therapy.!!Part!of!his!theory!

is!that!we!choose!partners!based!upon!“unfinished!business”!with!our!parents!–!

continuing!on!our!path!to!work!out!unresolved!conflicts!in!our!lives.!!Even!if!you!

aren’t!completely!persuaded!by!his!premise,!his!exploration!of!communication,!

mirroring,!validation!and!improving!a!relationship!in!trouble!is!right!on!target!for!

couples!with!ADHD.!

Divorce,&Separation&and&Whether&to&Stay&Married&

Should(I(Stay(or(Go?((How(Controlled(Separation(Can(Save(Your(Marriage(

Lee"Raffel,"M.S.W."

There!is!no!doubt!that!many!couples!struggling!with!how!ADHD!affects!their!

marriage!contemplate!divorce!or!separation!–!and!many!actually!end!up!getting!

divorced.!!This!book!helps!you!to!create!your!own!answer!to!the!basic!question!

“Should!I!Stay!or!Go?”!that!desperate!spouses!may!ask,!and!provides!a!number!of!

ways!to!think!through!how!a!separation!or!divorce!might!proceed.!!Raffel!is!an!

advocate!for!“controlled!separation”!as!a!last!ditch!effort!to!get!some!distance!from!

each!other!and!save!a!marriage,!and!she!provides!very!specific!guidelines!for!how!

couples!might!decide!whether!or!not!to!try!this!route,!as!well!as!many!examples!and!

real-life!stories.!

Too(Good(To(Leave,(Too(Bad(to(Stay:(A(Step-by-Step(Guide(to(Help(You(Decide(

Whether(to(Stay(In(or(Get(Out(of(Your(Relationship(

Mira"Kirshenbaum"

This!is!an!insightful!and!thoughtful!guide!to!resolving!relationship!ambivalence!

(that!period!when!you!can’t!decide!whether!to!stay!in!your!marriage!or!leave!it).!!

Under!the!theory!that!relationships!are!too!complicated!to!weigh!good!vs.!bad,!

Kirshenbaum!offers!36!diagnostic!tests!against!which!you!should!measure!your!

relationship!and!your!feelings.!!She!lik en s!the!process!to!how!doctors!diagnose!

illness.!!One!caveat!–!be!careful!to!look!at!whether!unresolved!anger!around!your!

relationship,!or!ADHD!symptoms!that!can!be!treated!and,!therefore!improved,!

unfairly!bias!your!answers!to!the!negative.!

Counseling&and&Therapy&

How(Therapy(Can(Be(Hazardous(to(Your(Marital(Health(

Speech"by"William"J."Doherty,"PhD"

This!speech,!given!in!1999!at!the!Smart!Marriages!Conference,!can!be!found!at!

http://www.smartmarriages.com/hazardous.html.!!I!highly!recommend!it!for!

anyone!considering!counseling!as!Doherty!provides!good!perspective!into!finding!an!

effective!marriage!counselor.!!In!addition,!the!site!at!which!the!article!is!posted!

points!to!other!useful!marriage!and!counseling!resources.!!